Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Woah Boy.

Lately I am finding that multiple rounds of caffeinated beverages are not particularly aiding my productivity and/or sanity levels. In fact, the past week or so this Arabica Bean nectar of the gods, seems to only be exacerbating certain"tendencies" that (I would like to think) are otherwise much more...dormant.

In a perfect world, so much ridiculousness could have been avoided if a simple surgeon general's warning was placed on the sleeves of each cup. Something to the extent of:


I have taken the liberty of listing a few of my own unwanted side effects, in the humble hopes that if my story of addiction can reach one person and stop them from making the same mistakes that I did, then it will have made all of this worthwhile...

Side Effect #1: Fits of anger and extreme rage.

Typically I consider myself a peace loving person...and while I find that there are many scenarios that I would like to give someone a piece of my mind, I will most often hold my tongue and turn my thoughts towards happy things, such as kittens and daffodils. However, today's train ride home, while under the influence of much coffee and little sleep, something happened and it wasn't pretty.

Mid-commute while enjoying the peace and quiet of a sun-filled car and a good book, a girl my age barged through the doors, dragged her 3 duffel bags through the aisle to the seat behind me, and proceeded to blast the speakers off of her cell phone, while simultaneously singing along with Fergy and the other Black Eyed Peas about humps and lady lumps.

A full two minutes went by, and as I watched my knuckles turn white with anger, I realized that clearly my pacifist ways had left the station...because by then I had already reached for my own cell phone. The one that came programmed with quite a variety of equally obnoxious hip hop songs. I cranked the volume up as far as I knew it would go and hit the play button, then held it above my head and scratched my ear. Passive aggressive behavior at it's best. But this time it apparently worked. DJ mix allot behind me got the picture and opted for her head phones.

Side Effect #2: Temporary Amnesia and/or mild retardation.

This morning I shaved my legs. Both of them. With a new razor.
Took a good 5 minutes.
Felt pretty proud of myself since winter doesn't usually promote this kind of shower habit.
It wasn't until I grabbed my towel however,
and put down the neon purple Lady Schick,
that I realized the safety cap was still on.
Had been on.
The entire shave.
And that the only thing
going down the
drain that morning
was my IQ level.

Side Effect #3: Hallucinations and conversations with non-humans.

Dr. Doolittle has nothing on me. While he may have known the secret longings of giant sea snails and baby rabbits, I not only talk to members of the animal kingdom such as my cats, but apparently this week, all other kinds of inanimate objects as well, such as plants, refrigerator foods, shoes, and park benches.
See recorded dialogues below:

Cat talk:
Fitz, what do you think? Should the Olympics come to Chicago? We won't be here then you know that right? No. We won't. How's that new cat nip working out for ya?

Plant talk:
HULLLOOO little thirsty plant. You are thirsty huh? That is why you make that noise when I water you. That little glug glug glug...that is quite cute...

Food talk:
Left-over lasagna, you are MINE....again.

Shoe talk:
You little purple b*(&WE$@. How dare you not fit me. There are going to be extreme consequences for your actions. Just you wait and see.

Park Bench talk:
Don't mind if I do...

So...the point.
The point is, while all this time I have been convincing myself that a mug of java for breakfast, lunch, and dinner is the exact ticket for maintaining clarity and promoting energy for getting things done during this current schedule from seems I have fallen in the throes of many other mindless consumers and am now suffering extreme buyers remorse. Simply put: The girl's been duped. And from now on I am going to start seeing a "cup a Joe" for what it truly is:

"a cup a crazy"...


Steve said...

And now you are a 'dealer' of this drug of American choice. How poetic.

Georgia B. said...

this had me laughing. brac said, "what's that?" i said, it's jessi. she cracks me up. 'cause you do, you know.

(ps. nice try—blaming it on coffee. i know you so much better than that, dear girl.)

shilvia said...

i do have a love and hate relationship with coffee ;) and this post of yours got me laughing so hard!!!