Thursday, January 1, 2009

The year of the Emu.














Tonight I had a conversation with my new bottle of certified fair trade soap and it went a little something like this:

MMM. soap, you are good, i am glad i bought you, you smell like peppermint and are made with organic oils. also, congratulations on what looks to be your 60th year of "soapmaking excellence"

Truthfully, I didn't buy you because you were fair trade, although that is nice bonus...,but because 1. i would very much like to smell like a candy cane all day,and 2. your label said "Dr. Bronner's Magic Soaps". And quite frankly,i think that there is nothing better than medical confidence mixed with a bit of magical charm. i hope you find yourself at home here.

ok. now i am going to try you out....nice... i am even tempted to put you in hot chocolate.

but wait. what's this? you have alot of small print over your packaging. interesting. well i have already read your neighboring shampoo ingredients and the labels that come on my shaving gel, so i am very much indebted to whatever new jingle you have to tell me.

i have always thought there is no greater boredom than the boredom that comes from having nothing new to read, so i will check you out through sudsy squints while my leave in conditioner sets.

WHATEVER UNITES MANKIND IS BETTER THAN WHATEVER DIVIDES US.

hm.that's different...i was expecting "start your stint with hint of peppermint" or something more up the soap slogan rhyming alley...

YET IF ABSOLUTE UNSELFISH I AM NOT FOR ME, I AM BUT CLASSLESS, RACELESS, STARVING MASSES, NEVER FREE NOR BRAVE! ONLY IF CONSTRUCTIVE SELFISH I WORK HARD PERFECT FIRST ME, LIKE ARCTIC OWLS-PENGUIN, PILOT-CAT-SWALLOW-BEAVER-BEE, CAN I TEACH THE MORAL ABC'S...

the moral abc's...? hold on. i'm going to need to sit down for this one.
my two minute rinse can wait.

ALL-ONE- GOD-FAITH, THAT LIGHTNING LIKE UNITES THE HUMAN RACE!

errr....

FOR WE'RE ALL ONE OR NONE! ALL ONE!"LISTEN CHILDREN, ETERNAL FATHER ETERNALLY ONE
EXCEPTION ETERNALLY? ABSOLUTE NONE!


hold UP. let me get this straight. i purchased you, a mere hygiene product and ended up buying a philosophy?

DON"T DESTROY GOD"S SPACESHIP EARTH!

Roger that, Houston.
We have a problem.

Peppermint soap: something stinks, and i think it's your
evolutionary
individualistic ideas
of universal happiness
achieved purely through self-sufficient means,
in which we all become our own diety
and live happily ever after
as beaver llama bee god's.

SMALL MINDS DECAY! AVERAGE MINDS DELAY! GREAT MINDS TEACH ALL-ONE TODAY!

stop yelling at me.

EACH DAY, LIKE A BIRD, PERFECT THYSELF FIRST!

well i am one bird not going for this worm.
i'll be honest, your sweet oils were quite seductive...
but next time, i think i'll stick with Irish Spring.

because it's cheaper.
but mostly because the only philosophy they ever tried to sell me
was that it floats.
so PEACE.
This "small minded" woman is out.

7 comments:

Claire said...

Jessi this makes my heart swell with pride and with a silent thank you to God. So few individuals are aware of the subtle lies that are sold to us day in and day out. They buy them because they are disguised as christianity when in reality they are anything but godly.

You know God. You recognise Him. This leaves me humbled and wanting to know Him more intimatley.

Pressing upward...

C

Georgia B. said...

just unreal—your writing is so beyond what my own mind could even begin to think about starting to sit down to write . . yes, i'm rambling on purpose. i'm just blown away by your creativity. only Jessi could write such a clever little piece inspired by a bottle of soap.

and it is so you to cut through the crap and get down to the real point and truth in things.

this was one of your most enjoyable posts! it had me laughing and wanting to show everyone i know.

you're a gem, my writing friend.

Georgia B. said...

p.s.
thank you for starting my day this way. i was really dreading going to work, but now at least i'm going with laughter as my companion.
:)

Nate Heldman said...

perhaps this pepperminty soap (i knew there was a reason i didn't like peppermint) is the antithesis to Dove? 99 44/100ths pure Dove soap? (you have to think of all the other applications of a dove in theological terms)

ok...one last thing. or first thing. it just hit me. i think, like your game with your friend of writing stories for each other's pictures, that we should all have a game inventing definitions from the "Captcha" words we have to type in to verify ourselves when commenting.

my word today is "Polism"...which i define as a lifestyle set by whatever the larger percentage agrees to on a given topic.

Jamie said...

Aww, I love Dr. Bronner's soap. Seriously, it IS better than Irish Spring. Did you know there's a documentary about him? Personally I find it even cooler to use knowing that he escaped a mental institution and is allegedly Albert Einstein's nephew.

Jane said...

I absolutely Love this post. Your writing is superb.

Chris said...

Wow, that's really odd to print on a bottle (and long winded, too). Sometimes those high-falutin' organic free trade products really get my goat... :)